I want to tell you a story. Who you see here is not who I was last year or even before then. This person you see is and has been reformed into what appears before you. My life wasn’t easy. But I was the reason behind my pain. I made my choices. And took the wrong path. I made excuses and tried to cover up the hurt, the depression, the lies and more. But all it did was sink me further into a place a darkness I didn’t wish to be.
No one knew my sorrows. I hid it from everyone. I even tried to hide it from myself. But a reoccurring theme kept popping up relationship after relationship. Cheating, Domestic Violence, Mental Abuse, Drugs. I gave them excuses and passes as to why they were this way. I wanted to fix them or thought, just because that happened in their last relationship that wouldn’t happen to me. I was wrong. It was worse.
My ex husbands all had one thing in common. Trying to prove to themselves that they “Still Got It.” They wanted to be King of the Mac Daddies and try to bag as many women as they possibly could while being in a relationship with me. This took a toll on me. This fucked up my self esteem. What was it about me that didn’t allow them to view me like they viewed everyone else? Why even be with me if they wanted the world? I felt useless, used, defeated, ugly, alone and tired. Every man, same repetitive actions.
Anytime I said something, abuse would begin. I was the ugly bitch, I was the cheater, I was the reason they would leave and fuck around with other women. Anything I said would be turned around and used back at me like it was my fault. Mind manipulation, scare tactics, threats of death, going to work with black eyes, bruise, scrapes and more. So I stayed silent. Breaking free of these relationships was hard. Staying away was harder. Because it was as hard to believe .... my comfort zone. When I thought things were good, they were. But 75% of the time, it was all bad.
I had to try and rebuild myself. Who was I? I don’t know because I’ve always been that’s dudes girl. What did I like? I don’t know because I did what they told me. Where was I going in life? I don’t know because no one ever gave me that opportunity to thrive. So I searched. I search far and wide, long and hard. And it wasn’t until I moved away from the stress and drama that held me back where I was able to sit back and actually know what it felt to be Free.
Have you ever felt like Cinderella? It wasn’t until I was 29 to ever have that feeling. And I didn’t want to let it go. I gave myself permission to breathe and enjoy what these moments were offering. I vowed to myself that in this moment is where my life will forever change and be different. That I will walk amongst other and know what it feels like to be loved the right way. But I needed to figure out where and how to love me first.
Being alone taught me a great deal to cherish how far I’ve come. It taught me how special being in silence was. It was hard though to be in this space. But I needed to go through this to see me growing for myself. Being alone in your thoughts wondering why no one loves you. Why you don’t have kids. Why so many failed marriages. Why the physical abuse. Why.... why.... why. All the whys in the word and no answers. When you realize the answers you search for will never come, you start to notice the change of I will never accept a man who doesn’t love me. I will never allow myself to be physically harmed. I will never allow a man to use me in any way shape or form. I will not be another statistic.
You start to grow. You become stronger. You because stricter with your love and you rebuild your wall of safety. You tell yourself any person who wants to be in my space will have to learn to climb. Will have to have perseverance, determination, and show me that he understands what the true meaning and value of love is. He will want to love me for me and my broken pieces I’m still trying to mend.
I started seeing myself in new light. Men who were interested in me didn’t phase me anymore. I wasn’t willing to just jump at any dick that waved or winked at me. I held myself to a higher standard and they obliged. People removed themselves from me because they said “I was too tough of a person to deal with.” Which basically meant they were too weak to want to work at life with me. They weren’t for me. And this is when I knew I was on my path to growing into a woman. I was no longer the scared little girl. I was no longer intimidated by others. I was only focused on me, my feelings and my personal growth just to be able to feel stable and sustain life like a normal person. This is where I knew I was going to be me.
To be continued........ #EmpowermentOfTheSoul
Photography by: Nicole Ren’e w/ Free Energy Force Photography