To my unborn child, I know we never got to fully meet and I will never know what gender you were meant to be but I wanted to apologize for not allowing you into this world. I saw you on the screen in that cold dark room and it crushed me to my soul that I had to let you go. It was a hello and goodbye within a few seconds but you have given me a lifetime of memories. You were due September 11, 2002. A date that is forever engraved into my heart.
During your time of conception I was messed up. I didn’t want you to face my trials I put myself through. There is no excuse big enough why I let you go. I just couldn’t face you knowing I would have done you wrong. You deserved the world and I couldn’t give you that in those moments. Your father wouldn’t have been the man I aspired him to be and it was not fair for you to endure 2 failed parents. I didn’t want you see the domestic disputes we had. I didn’t want you to feel my pain. I wanted nothing but the best for you so I set you free.
I hope you can forgive me and my choices. I have tried to forgive myself but it’s been a struggle. I want to see your face. I want to hear your laugh. I want to embrace your hug. I want to get to know you for you. I wonder what kind of personality you have. I wonder what your grade would have been like. Do you like sports? What is your favorite color. Do you look like me? Do we have the same fears? Do we enjoy the same foods? Would you be begging me to teach you how to drive now that you’d be almost 16? These are the thoughts that consume me.
If you understand why I had to let you go please send me a sign. Let me know if you’re happy. Let me know if I can move forward. I’m ready to let my butterfly get its wings and be free. I’ve held you close for so long I feel like I’m stunting your growth to travel the universe. Thank you for allowing me to carry you for this long. I hope you come back to visit and check up on me. I would love to hear about your travels when you return. So for now ... I love you and I release the chains. Be free. Float in peace and twinkle amongst the stars.